Currently Watching Becoming Jane By Anne Hathaway, James McAvoy, Julie Walters, James Cromwell, Maggie Smith see related

so no one really does this site anymore. Which is good for me cuz I can say my peace with no fear. Plus none of my friends have this. I read back a little on my last posts and I kinda sound like a whiny bitch. sorry but sometimes you need to just to bitch thats what a journal is for. so I just lost a friend, well actually I'll say I just lost a person in my life that I thought was a friend. She ...you know what I dont even want to waste my breathe on a person like that...ok I'm sure I'll tell you about it someday. I know I keep saying this but I swear one day, whenever that day may be, I will write in my journal everyday. I know that writing has always helped me destress and I think I need a lot of that these days. My life seems to be going down hill lately, but I know one day I'll catch up with it and everything will be better. I guess I just need to find my outlet...my thing that helps me deal with things and life in general. May it be the Lord, may it be working out, or writing I need to actually start doing something. I can't live like this anymore. People should not be able to influence my life...there was a quote that Eleanore Roosevelt said...hold on I'll find it. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Beautiful quote. But here is the question I pose, when do you give up and throw in the towel? How do you know when to say I'm sorry or fuck you? You can't always think that the other is going to back down and apologize, so when do you give in? Or do you not? Does that mean your going to be a lonier the rest of your life? Or does that make you a strong individual, one that doesn't take shit from anyone. I think I could be okay for a bit, but I do get lonely after awhile. That's when I go home. So maybe moving back home will be good and by home I mean Violet's house where I know people care about me? I sure hope so. ok enough for today Becoming Jane is on and I am so excited for it!!! night.

Currently Watching Because I Said So (Full Screen Edition) By Diane Keaton, Mandy Moore (II), Gabriel Macht, Tom Everett Scott, Lauren Graham see related

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (NRSV, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

 I want this read at my wedding. I mean I've never been in love or had anyone stick around for awhile, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that this is what I want to feel when I fall in love. Well more when I get married. I just wish that I could really connect with someone. But boys just don't like me, there's something wrong with me i guess. One day it'll come, that's all I hear. I really try and believe, but it's hard. Like my sister's were practically married by now. Violet was out of the house and her and Adam had been dating for like 3 years and got a place together. Maggie meet Brian and they got married two years later. Who have I got...yup that's right you guessed...no one. The sad story of my life.

P.S. I need to stop watching chick flicks by myself because it doesn't make me feel any better about myself.

Talk more later

I'm feeling pretty lonely right now. I feel like I have no friends. It the day before dead day and everyone's out partying and I'm inside doing homework. Stupid fuckin care plans. but still no ones called to see y I'm not out or what im doing. it just makes me feel like one big fuckin loser. what has happened that I lost all my friends? have i done something? It just feels like a continous cycle for me. in high school the same thing happened. and middle school. i just didnt have friends anymore. it really sucks. like i had a group of friends here at school and now no one is friends. like this big group of 15 ppl is no more and its so sad because we use to all have so much fun together. now dont get me wrong, I have great friends at home that i have no idea what i would do without. I just love that no matter the length of time were apart, we start right where we left off. its amazing I know i can always count on them. my best friend megan is amazing, she is seriously my rock. she is the best friend ive always wanted. she challenges me, proves me wrong when im wrong lol and we just always have a great time. no drama. thats what a friendship should be. where u could just sit and do absolutely nothing together and be content. I really wish i didnt hate college. i use to love it, but things changes and so did a lot of people. I dont think ive changed much, if anything for the better. I think meg would tell me if im being a butt. i just so sad that i feel this way now and ive felt this way for awhile now. the group of gfs i had here dont like me anymore for some reason but whatever. and i hope the group of guys i hang out w dont have a problem with me. i just am always double guessing myself. im just ready to be out of school and with my real friends that will help me find myself. i definitely need to do that. i dont even know who i am anymore.  I just wish things were like soph year again. those were the great times. now it just sucks. i cant go out anymore cuz i have so much hw and then ppl stop calling and talking to u cuz ur not out blah blah blah the stupid democracy of a social life. like there are so many ppl i get along w and i wish i could hang out with more but theres just not enough time. amy h is a cool girl and i hope we could hang out more next year. i just realized that finally next semester im turning 21 but who am i going to go to the bars w? ya i know the boys are always game, but i need a group of girls to go with. i just wish ppl would see the real me, well actually im not fake or anything so i guess i wish ppl would like me for me. so many standards now to live up to. it sucks cuz i def dont meet those standards. puppy is telling me to go to sleep so i guess its bedtime. night

so more of me being fucking fed up with people. I dont know whats wrong with them or if its me. all i know is I'm sick of it! I'm sick of being an outsider I'm sick of being shit on by people I thought were my friends. It feels like fucking high school again and this is not what I signed up for. why cant people just grow up and keep their mouths shut? I'm just fucking sick of always feeling this way at the end of the year. I have enough to worry about with finals and late homework to turn in. I know I'm lazy but thats just how I am. and I know how pissed I get 1. at myself and 2. I freak out because I cant get anything done. I just should have no friends like my dad told me a long time ago. I came to him one day during high school cuz i had a fight with my friend and he told me just dont have any. then you dont have to worry about shit like this. trust no one except yourself he said. Y is he always right? lol This shit is just getting way too old. I know where my real friends are but they are like 200 miles away. I everytime I leave there I just want to go back. I just have nothing to worry about there. I mean dealing with pitty shit like this tore me up in high school and it really left a dagger in my heart. I've always had problems socially. And its always left a toll on me. I mean look at my friends and boyfriends record. not so high. They just dont stick around. I rather just be on my own and cry like a baby when i see people having fun with their friends. I have to go to class.